The Takes: The 100% Perfect NFL Preview
It’s that time of year again…
Football. Is. BACK!
You clicked on this blog for one reason. You want to make fun of my awful takes and take something away from this. Welcome back baby it’s time to get crackin’
Now, I will go division by division and tell you EXACTLY what you need to know, and what will happen this year in that Division. Starting in the AFC, with probably the best division in football….
AFC East
Winner: Buffalo Bills
Loser: New England Patriots
The Bills are a wagon. A super team that literally beat death. The roster is loaded for all of the regular season success in the world. Now, in years past this hasn’t been the case for the post-season, but let’s see if there’s something new in store for us this year. I’m not sold on them in January…
12 Wins
The Jets are the most interesting team here. a team with an elite defense signs Aaron Rodgers, one of the best regular season quarterbacks of this generation, and is looking to jump into the playoffs. But they are the god damn Jets. I’m fucking STUPID and I put a future on them to win the Super Bowl, so that is all you need to know about this team. Avoid them like the plague come January, but until then ride the wave
10 Wins
Dolphins have a concussed QB (probably). Fuck the “Tank for Tua” year he did not live to the hype. But this Dolphins defense is RAWWWWW
8 Wins
Patriots - Bill Belichick is a god, but your quarterback cried during Barbie (probably) fuck that team.
7 Wins
AFC South
Winner: Tennessee Titans
Loser: Indianapolis Colts
From the best division in football, to debatably the worst.
The Titans are forgotten about. Plain and simple. This team knows how to BALL. Don’t forget about it. Vrable has his guys going day in and day out. The dude said he would chop his dick off for a Super Bowl, and that isn’t a joke. He is dead fucking serious. This team may be my favorite underdog to bet on this year.
10 Wins
Remember when the Jaguars came back from being down 27-0 to win in the playoffs? That was SICK right!? OMG and when Trevor Lawrence was called a God because of it!? Good times. The dude threw 4 interceptions in the first 22 minutes of that game. I’m not betting on him winning a division until he proves me wrong. The team didn’t make any major additions outside of Calvin Ridley whose football IQ is so low he thought it was okay to gamble on Falcons games when he was on the team. Not going to make me want to scream DUUUVAAALLLL
8 Wins
The Texans are my surprise team of the year. THIS is a team that made additions, and their new QB is able to make change happen week 1. Texans may be my favorite team to bet on this year if the number is right, look for them to SMASH their win total and have a great season.
8 Wins
Jim Irsay, owner of the Colts, is a lunatic who is trying to tank for Caleb Williams, even though they just drafted a QB. That’s the NFL.
3 Wins
AFC West
Winner: Kansas City Chiefs
Loser: Las Vegas Raiders
The Chiefs run the division. Prove me wrong. Patrick Mahomes.
12 Wins.
I am an idiot. I love the Broncos Sean Payton. Russell Wilson is so corny, that he needs Sean Payton as his motivation. In Russell’s mind, he has his back against the wall and even his coach doesn’t believe it, so he’s going to go out there and in Disney Movie fashion prove them all wrong!
Also, Payton’s line “Stop worrying about yourself, and stop fucking kissing babies. You're not running for public office” deserves an ESPY or whatever fake award ESPN does.
9 Wins
Remember my Jaguars take? Yeah. Chargers stink. If they were in a real market, a Quarterback would not be given 262 MILLION DOLLARS as a REWARD for blowing a 27 FUCKING POINT LEAD.
Dallas, New England, Pittsburgh, Baltimore, and BOTH New York teams would RUN their QB out of town if they BLEW A 27 FUCKING POINT LEAD
Chargers win 8 or less games.
The Raiders have an identity crisis and their head coach told the media Darren Waller’s wedding after he said “Hey, keep this between us. I don’t want the media to know when and where I am getting married!” So, they had to trade him.
5 wins? Maybe?
AFC North
Winner: Baltimore Ravens?
Loser: Cleveland Browns?
Dude… I don’t know.
I can’t even act like I know what’s going on here.
The Ravens went all in on offensive weapons, but they are still mid. Lamar Jackson poops his pants. The defense is good and they wear cool jerseys.
10 wins?
The Bengals are raw, but are they? Defense is always suspected to be ass cheeks. Joe Burrow smokes cigars and looks cool. Joe Mixon tried to kill a guy.
10 wins?
Steelers have a good coach. Kenny Pickett is not that guy but is a good bridge guy.
8 wins? But 1 tie so they keep their .500 record?
The Cleveland Browns leader in the locker room is a sex felon.
6 wins?
NFC East
Winner: Dallas Cowboys
Loser: New York Giants
If you are picking the Eagles to win this division, you don’t know ball.
NFC East has not had a consecutive division winner since 2004. Dallas has an ELITE defense, and amazing weapons on offense. Who is holding them back? That’s right! It’s Dak! *Jazz hands* Dak is going to either have a career year, or get cut next March, and he knows it. I am a homer, but I believe he makes that jump. If I’m wrong, good riddance.
11 Wins
Philly paid their QB, and lost their defense. BIG regression year from Philly, I will LOVE betting against this team (I’m bad, remember?)
9 wins.
I love Washington this year, they are going to be a lot better than people think. A good defense with surprisingly great weapons on offense. Yeah, Sam Howell is a young QB, but they just got the best offensive coordinator in the league! I expect big things.
8 wins.
Never was sold on the Giants, and I think this is a big step back year. Brian Daboll is fat and punted the ball down 3 scores in the 4th quarter of a playoff game.
5 wins.
NFC South
Winner: Atlanta Falcons
Loser: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
I love Bijan Robinson. He is worth 5 wins by himself, the dude is a stud. The offense does have a new identity, but this is going to be a really shitty division where 8-9 gets you a playoff berth. This team is scrappy and is going to get some real ugly wins.
9 Wins
The Saints have a shitty coach. They miss Sean Payton so much, and Derek Carr is not a guy I am going to say takes a bad team that misses the playoffs to a division winner. I don’t care how bad the division is.
7 wins
With the Panthers, I’m just not a short-king believer when it comes to QBs. I’ll be happy to see them good again, but a rookie QB with a rookie Head Coach smells disaster
5 wins
Bucs will let Baker bake, but damn does the rest of the team suck eggs. Bet on them to cover some big spreads, but never take the Moneyline
3 wins
NFC West
Winner: Seattle Seahawks
Loser: Arizona Cardinals
That’s right. I’m picking the Seahawks baby. Geno didn’t write back. Great offense, and a solid defense. I’m super excited to see this team play week 1 against the Rams. Pete Carroll is good at chewing gum.
11 Wins
The 49ers are still going to have a great year. I just don’t believe in Purdy. The defense on their own is going to force this team to go at least .500
Don’t worry, the Niners make the playoffs
10 Wins
Matt Stafford is not a Hall of Fame QB, the defense is a mess outside of Donald. Rams’ WR core does not have hamstrings
5 Wins
The Cardinals are the biggest joke of an NFL franchise. They may not win a single game, and Kyler Murray (trash) will back up Caleb Williams in 2024
1 Win
NFC North
Winner: Detroit Lions
Loser: Green Bay Packers
Listen, I am NOT buying ALL of the hype behind the Lions. They are going to be good, they are going to (barely) win their division, they may win a playoff game, but let’s not get carried away. Amazing offense and the defense is going to be good. It’s the Lions though. Don’t trust them until they prove it in January.
9 wins
Bears fans listen up, this team is the truth. Get excited for a playoff game this winter. Your defense may be complete ass cheeks, but the addition of DJ Moore just made you a top-10 offense. Soldier Field Overs sound so wrong, but will feel so right. Barely miss the division win by a tie breaker.
9 wins
Is Kirk the white Dak Prescott, or is Dak the black Kirk Cousins? Either way, losing Dalvin and Thielen on offense, while gaining NOBODY on defense spells disaster. When Joejuan Williams is your big free agency splash, you’re fucked.
6 wins
Jordan Love will be washing cars to make money in 5 years.
4 wins
Cam, you’re a bitch and I bet you don’t even read the blogs. You just chirp like a little birdie.
Archie, I’ve missed you, sorry to keep you waiting.
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